The Response to Child Abuse Trauma
February 8, 2010 by Diane
When children are abused, they begin to question themselves and their world because it destroys two essential beliefs:
- Their sense of trust, and
- Their sense of control over their lives.
Most victims must deal with the physical and emotional shockwaves of what happened, but also with the sense of helplessness, powerlessness, and a loss of control – not to mention the fact that most perpetrators are the victim’s own parents or caretakers!
Unlike the common response when victims are attacked by strangers — which is to retreat into a childlike state, and when the immediate danger has passed, to turn to an authority figure for help like a police officer or nurse — the child abuse victim lives with the perpetrator(s) and thus is silenced and receives no care. This is part of what makes child abuse so heinous.
What would help children and adult survivors is that when they finally do tell someone, the person hearing about the abuse should react in a normal fashion. That is, that the child’s or survivor’s reactions of anger, fear, frustration, guilt, and grief are normal for what they experienced. Anyone would react that way to a criminal act against their bodies. And yet, sadly, that is not the response the child or survivor receives. Instead, they are made to feel like something is wrong with them, the victims, instead of holding the perpetrators accountable.
Instead of blaming the victim, it is more helpful to say things like:
- “You are safe now.”
- “It wasn’t your fault.”
- “You didn’t deserve what happened to you.”
In her book, “Trauma and Recovery” Dr. Judith Herman states, “People who have endured horrible events suffer predictable psychological harm. There is a spectrum of traumatic disorders, ranging from the effects of a single overwhelming event to the more complicated effects of prolonged and repeated abuse. Established diagnostic concepts, especially the severe personality disorders diagnosed in women, have generally failed to recognize the impact of victimization.” So have most Americans who have been lucky enough not to be abused as children.
Dealing with child abuse trauma means that survivors have to come face-to-face with the knowledge of the evil perpetrated against them. The sad reality is that the American public doesn’t want to know or doesn’t care about this unspeakable truth that exists for tens of millions of survivors. By speaking and writing publicly about America’s denial and lack of support for survivors, I am trying to turn that behavior around. We have to start a dialogue and to support all survivors who work very hard to recover, and I am committed to doing just that.
This entry was posted on Monday, February 8, 2010 at 8:47 am and is filed under Healing From Abuse. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
February 16, 2010 at 9:43 pm
No trust, no control- I feel exactly that way.
“Instead, they are made to feel like something is wrong with them, the victims, instead of holding the perpetrators accountable.” My family is doing that to me. Only my sister really has any faith in what I’m saying.
It seems like on the internet I can find resources from people who understand but I can never find it in real life. I’m always alone in real life and I feel like more is expected of me that I can put up with. People want me to act like the 22-year-old that I am but at times I feel like it’s hard to even be alive.
I know my dad loves me… and I love him too… but that doesnt take away the pain he caused.
February 17, 2010 at 6:53 am
Thank you for reaching out. Everything you said is true not only for yourself, but for the tens of millions of other survivors in America. That is why I started this website. It is very discouraging to not get the support you need. I’m very happy to hear that your sister is there for you. Hang onto that. It all begins with staying true to yourself and not buying into the brainwashing you received as a child. I believe the main reason families remain silent is to protect the perpetrators in the family. That in and of itself is not only being unmerciful to the victim(s) but is criminal behavior. It is no different from the Catholic church protecting the child molesters in their congregations. And yet, everyone continues to remain silent and to allow survivors to shoulder the shame. I don’t do that anymore, and by you standing up for yourself, you don’t have to either. I hope you are able to get some professional help. Hang in there. You are on the right track.
February 25, 2010 at 2:14 pm
Thanks for answering me and I love your website! What support do you know of in the NYC area? I’m going to move up there. I’m getting away from my household and I’m going to break the chain of learned dependence. I think the toxicity I’m experiencing the most right now is the sensation that although certain people tell me they want me to do things by myself, it seems as though they are still trying to control whatever I do when it is convenient. Example… I say I’ve chosen to do something, and someone (like my dad) might say, “There is no reason to ever do that/ You should never do that/ You should do this instead” like an ultimatum… ultimately the impression I get is that the “only” way to do things is my father’s way. As if he created the laws of motion, or something. I won’t have to deal with that eating me now.
February 25, 2010 at 2:33 pm
It is good to hear that you are clear about working on your own needs. That’s a great step in breaking away from years of conditioning and of validating for yourself that your needs come first. If you go to the “Contact Us” page on my website and send me an email back channel, I can work to hopefully find someone who can help you.
April 17, 2010 at 11:11 pm
I don’t trust any of my family or friends with the information of what happened. I tried telling a friend when I was young and she didn’t believe me. Of course I realize now that I should have told an adult but I couldn’t. Now, I’m in therapy, but I still can’t tell anyone. I don’t want to have to deal with others who I have to see on a daily basis. The abuser was the teen son of a family friend who my family is still in contact with. I don’t really trust anyone with the information.
April 18, 2010 at 5:52 pm
It is wise to trust your gut feelings. When you are ready and feel confident that the person you want to talk to about your abuse is someone who is respectful and supportive, then you can make that decision.